Andrea Jensen- "TO BE ALIVE IS TO BE BROKEN, AND TO BE BROKEN IS TO BE IN NEED OF GRACE."

Cast All Your Votes for Dancing

2009-09-03T19:18:00.000-07:00

Cast All Your Votes for Dancing
By: Hafiz

I know the voice of depression
Still calls to you.

I know those habits that can ruin your life
Still send their invitations.

But you are with the Friend now
And look so much stronger.

You can stay that way
And even bloom!

Keep squeezing drops of the Sun
From your prayers and work and music
And from your companions' beautiful laughter.

Keep squeezing drops of the Sun
From the sacred hands and glance of your Beloved
And, my dear,
From the most insignificant movements
Of your own holy body.

Learn to recognize the counterfeit coins
That may buy you just a moment of pleasure,
But then drag you for days
Like a broken man
Behind a farting camel.

You are with the Friend now.
Learn what actions of yours delight Him,
What actions of your bring freedom
And Love.

Whenever you say God's name, dear pilgrim,
My ears wish my head was missing
So they could finally kiss each other
And applaud all your nourishing wisdom!

O keep squeezing drops of the Sun
From your prayers and work and music
And from your companions' beautiful laughter

And from the insignificant movements
Of your own holy body.

Now, sweet one,
Be wise.
Cast all your votes for Dancing!

The "why" of it all...

2009-04-29T10:45:00.000-07:00

Why is life so shitty for some and so beautiful for others? Sometimes it seems like a giant cosmic joke. Do I believe in God? Yes. Do I love Him? Yes. But do I understand Him? Hardly ever. When a 5-year old comes up to me & tells me that she’s scared her momma’s boyfriend is going to come find & hurt her, I don’t understand God. When a 17-year old girl has a boyfriend who chokes her, yet she feels trapped because she’s having his baby, I don’t understand God. When a 14-year old girl berates her friend for her poor choices, not realizing the irony that she has plenty of her own to speak of, I don’t understand God. When a 16-year old girl has so much potential yet throws it all away for a “feel good” moment in the here and now, I don’t understand God. And when a 23-year old mother abandons her child to be with a man who “doesn’t like kids”, I don’t understand God.

Do I believe that God loves these children? I really try to. Yet where is He? I know that “Why” can be a dangerous question, yet I have no other question to ask.

10 Things I learned in Connecticut...

2009-04-12T12:59:00.000-07:00

10. There are some strange people in CT. (And NO...my family is not included in this...)
9. I may not be quite as ready to buy a house as I thought. (My brother-in-law is very knowledgeable about certain things, and gave me some good tips!)
8. I'm pretty sure my body would let me sleep for 15 straight hrs. in a cool, dark room with no windows & my fan blowing. (Good thing I have a very large window in my room to help get me out of bed.)
7. It's actually pretty difficult to entertain a baby & cook dinner at the same time.
6. I don't think I could be a full-time, stay-at-home mom. I would have to go to work just for a change of scenery.
5. My Wii fitness age is 41. (Although, in my defense, the pitcher was throwing 87 mph fast balls; no wonder I kept striking out!)
4. Life is not always fair. (Less than 6 months after having a baby, my sister is already back in a size 4...I, on the other hand, am pretty sure I've never been a size 4..... :)
3. It's really easy to shoot 3 rolls of film and about 100 digital pictures in a few short days.
2. My nephew takes after me in that: A. He wants to eat when he wakes up, and B. He can fall asleep in the car in 5 seconds flat.
1. It's not that hard to fall in love, especially when it's with the cutest 6 month old in the world!

Thinking it over....

2009-03-05T19:37:00.000-08:00

The quote at the top of my page holds a lot of personal significance to me, beyond just the fact that it's tattooed on my body. It's a constant reminder to me that we are broken people, and all of us are longing for someone to show us grace (mercy, pardon, that which we do not deserve.)
I haven't written in a really long time, and I'm not exactly sure why. The only reason I'm sitting here now, trying to write, is because I need to process, and I'm too overwhelmed to do anything else.
I spoke to a grandmother in my neighborhood today, and got some very unsettling news. I'm still somewhat in shock, I think. And as I looked at my foot tonight, with the words "Alive, Broken, and Grace" tattooed there, all I could do was shake my head. Because I'm tired of giving grace to the broken people in my life. (Sounds selfish, right? Sounds self-righteous, no? Unfortunately, it's honest.) I'm tired of watching one irresponsible choice after another be made, with no thought of the consequences, or who else if affected, or what lives can be ruined. I am terrified of where this path is headed, and for those who have found themselves there, in spite of whether or not they ever had a choice.
Does there come a point where grace gets in the way of personal responsibility, or owning up to one's own poor choices? WHEN IS ENOUGH, ENOUGH, ALREADY?!

We All Need Some Solitude....

2008-11-05T18:55:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the pressure of life feels very heavy. I often find myself in these moments craving to get away, to be refreshed, to spend some time in solitude. I've been feeling this way for a few weeks, and was able to spend some time this past weekend on my own. I wish I could tell you all the big & small ways that I felt God's Spirit breathing new life into me....maybe a few pictures can speak louder than words...

Wisdom Is...

2008-10-28T07:33:00.001-07:00

7th-8th grade girls Bible study was quickly turning to chaos last night. Not only did we start late, but all the girls were drawn to the bank of windows in the office several times as a fight broke out on the street below. Even with all our prodding, begging, pleading, and threatening, we couldn't tear them away :) Finally things died down outside, but the girls were too wound up at that point to do much "listening". So, we decided to have a "wisdom fashion show" (In case you can't guess, wisdom was the topic of our Bible study.) The judges provided some background music as the girls walked back and forth across the room, pausing to finish the statement, "Wisdom Is...". It made us laugh, and was a lot of fun, and even somewhat profound! One of our young ladies made the statement, "Wisdom Is like clothes; you wear it around all day long." I was literally stopped in my tracks when she said that. Out of the mouth of babes, right?

I AM AN AUNT!!!!

2008-10-23T19:41:00.001-07:00

Laid Back Summer...

2008-07-31T16:42:00.000-07:00

My work hours are different in the summer than during the school year. I go in earlier, and get off earlier. This also means that the kids in our program have more time on their hands once our program lets out at 2:30 every day. One of the benefits of living in the neighborhood where I work is the kids I see all the time also have access to my home; they can pop by for a visit. They definitely take full advantage of this during the summer. Almost every day there's a group of girls asking, "Can we come over today?" I tend to limit them to 1-2 days per week because: A. I'm pretty busy and am sometimes not even home until late in the evening, and B. For my own sanity :)
Three girls have been asking all week to come over, and today was their day! We talked, played a game, baked cookies, and watched a movie. As we were baking the cookies, I made a comment about something (I don't even remember now what it was about), and one of the girls replied, "You really like Jesus, don't you?" I looked at her and said, "Yeah...I do. I think He's worth liking."
That was it. End of that part of the conversation. Yet as I sit here now, a little later, I can't help but think what a blessing it is to be able to live close by, allowing my life to be accessible.

I got a dog!

2008-07-13T17:12:00.001-07:00

My new puppy's name is Dexter. (I know, kind of nerdy, huh? :) Besides not getting any sleep the first night I had him, things have been going pretty well. He tries to eat everything (except his food), chews on any shoe he can find, and whines his head off when I leave the house. Taking care of a puppy is a lot of work! I feel like I just had a child...

Small Group Fun!

2008-06-27T18:13:00.001-07:00

A little over a year ago I joined a community group at my church. It's been a process of learning, growing together, and being challenged. And, of course, we take some time for a little good old fashioned fun every once in awhile, too :)

Takin' It Back :)

2008-06-27T18:09:00.000-07:00

Don't you just love when you come across old pictures from high school? :)

S-O-U-L-M-A-T-E

2008-06-27T17:46:00.000-07:00

There's this beautiful song that I've been listening to lately by Natasha Bedingfield called "Soulmate". Here are some of the lyrics:

Incompatible,

It don't matter though.

'Cause someone's bound to hear my cry.

Speak out if you do,

you're not easy to find.

Is it possible

Mr. Loveable is already in my life.

Right in front of me

or maybe you're in disguise.

Who doesn't long for

someone to hold

who knows how to love you

without being told.

Somebody tell me

why I'm on my own,

If there's a soulmate for everyone.

Here we are again,

circles never end.

How do I find the perfect fit?

There's enough for everyone

but I'm still waiting in line.

Most relationships seem so transitory

they're all good

but not the permanent one!

Vacation Time!

2008-06-07T08:21:00.000-07:00

I'm headed out of town this morning for a much-needed vacation. I'm ready to get out of the city for awhile, be refreshed, and spend some time with my family. I was at work yesterday, and it was so hard to stay focused! All I kept thinking was: I'm leaving tomorrow...I'm leaving tomorrow...Vacation...ahhhhh.... :) Pray that this time will be "medicine for the soul"....

The Hunt Pays Off

2008-05-19T19:19:00.001-07:00

I ran into a friend of mine who has been going through a rough patch lately. He's been out of a job for awhile now, but been searching relentlessly, putting in applications any and everywhere. I saw him today and he told me that HE GOT A JOB! I let out a whoop and couldn't stop smiling! I was so proud of him, happy for him, and loving the smile that he couldn't get off his face :) Sometimes in the midst of all the mess it's really good to have some news that puts a smile on your face and makes you feel proud of someone.

Differing Perspectives

2008-05-11T15:00:00.000-07:00

I went out to lunch with a couple of teen girls today that I haven't spent time with in awhile. We had a nice time, but as with many of my encounters with them, I walked away thinking, "Is this really my life?" :)
We talked about a lot of things, and they ranted and raved about several different situations in their lives. I finally stopped them and asked, "Don't you ever just get tired of it all?" "Sure", they replied, "that's why we're trying to do something with our lives." That made me pause, because I often feel frustrated with the fact that they seem to be doing nothing with their lives. Apparently they think they are. So who's right? Obviously we are both looking at it from a different perspective...
You do what you know. So maybe, in their eyes, at their age, they're already going "above and beyond" what they've seen those before them do. In their eyes, they are "doing something with their lives".
Maybe instead of always wanting, pushing, and encouraging them to do more, I need to start with acknowledging what's already being done.

The Church Prays...

2008-05-11T14:43:00.000-07:00

Church was "good" today. I joined the service team, and today was my first day being an "official greeter". It was the kind of day where you don't really expect many people to come out; rainy, dreary, and cold. Yet, in people came, one after the other, all in fairly high spirits too! I tried really hard not to, but couldn't help but laugh at some of the people who came in with their hair sopping wet, or rain dripping off their glasses, with looks of "What was I thinking coming out in this!" on their faces. It was nice to see people and say hello as they came in. I kept thinking to myself, "Man, there's a lot of people I don't know!". I guess I have some work to do....
Towards the end of the service, our Pastor had everyone stand up who works with youth in our city. Being in that category, I stood up and found myself quickly surrounded by people laying hands on me in prayer. My first thought was, "Wow...this feels kind of uncomfortable." My second thought was, "Wow...I really need this!" For the past several weeks I've been very discouraged, and I haven't really even known what to pray for. It was a blessing to have the CHURCH surround me and PRAY without even knowing me personally, or my exact circumstances. To have people pray on my behalf for things that maybe I can't even pray for myself right now.

Here's to Friendship

2008-05-06T19:11:00.001-07:00

Good friends are often hard to come by. Good friends who can also give good counsel, ask thought-provoking questions, and challenge you, are even harder. I found myself sitting at my friends' kitchen table last night experiencing just this. A quick stop by their house turned into a 3 1/2 hr. conversation, over the course of which I was forced to think hard about some things that I needed to, yet didn't even really realize it. I walked away from the conversation not necessarily "settled" about everything, but definitely mulling over some well-timed questions that were asked.

Sadness & Fear Mixed with Hope

2008-04-09T16:54:00.000-07:00

I'm not looking forward to tomorrow. We're taking one of our 15-year-old girls to a group home in Indiana where she will possibly remain for the next 4 years of her life. And it makes me really sad. For the past several years, my life has been considerably intertwined with hers. We've spent lots of time together, had many laughs, and several good conversations (along with some really difficult ones). I'm sad that it has come to this. I'm sad that her life sucks so badly. I'm sad that she couldn't make things work here. I'm sad that I feel somewhat like a failure, and I'm sad that I have to say "goodbye". And I'm also scared. I'm scared that this won't work. I'm scared that she'll be miserable. I'm scared that she'll want to come home. And I'm scared that she'll feel forgotten. And yet this teensy, tiny part of me remains hopeful in the midst of all this other emotion. I'm hopeful that this is the break she needs. I'm hopeful she will thrive in this new environment. I'm hopeful she will succeed, and I'm hopeful she will finally become who she was created to be.
I pray to God that the fear and the sadness don't choke out the hope.

"Church" as it should be...

2008-02-17T15:23:00.000-08:00

I feel like I've blogged about my church a lot lately, but somehow, I keep having these thoughts that are spurred on by that venue. Take this morning, for instance. Every so often Pastor Peter has an "altar call" (I know, many of you simply cringe when hearing those words :) But the thing that's so refreshing is that people don't bow their heads. They don't close their eyes, "praying" for those who may come forward when really we're all just dying to peek ;) Rather, we're told to keep our eyes open, to look around, to SEE who's coming forward. "Why?" you may ask. Because faith isn't simply a private thing; it's also a community thing. Sure, it's probably scarier for the person coming forward...but it's also way more rewarding. Because it doesn't just stop there. Once people come up, Pastor Peter calls on us, the "church" to also come forward and surround them, committing ourselves to walking with them on this new journey. By going forward to surround them, one is committing to exchange phone #'s, get together for coffee, email, etc... and walk with this person as they begin to discover who Jesus is!
I don't know if my period's coming or what, but I sat there this morning and teared up as I watched 30+ people, the "church", surround the 5 people who had gone up front. This sense of immense joy filled me as I saw a beautiful example of what I believe the church really should be...

2008-02-17T15:21:00.000-08:00

"People confuse RELIGION (Morality) with GOD...and walk away from them both."

Religion vs. Gospel

2008-02-10T14:59:00.000-08:00

"We prefer religion over the Gospel because if we follow all the rules, we then think we have a 'claim' on God. We think we have earned certain 'rights'..."

Are we followers of a religion, or of Jesus? My pastor posed this question to us this morning...here's a few "telltale signs"...

1. If you follow religion, you trust morality; if you follow the Gospel, you trust Jesus.
2. If you follow religion, there are good and bad people; if you follow the Gospel, we're all bad people.
3. If you follow religion, love is based on obedience; if you follow the Gospel, obedience is a result of love.
4. If you follow religion, one's goal is to get "gifts" (knowledge, understanding, etc...); if you follow the Gospel, you know that God is the gift!
5. If you follow religion, it ends in pride and despair; if you follow the Gospel, it ends in humility and joy.

The Battle of Trust

2008-01-27T17:01:00.000-08:00

“We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy”

It was hard (and still is), but I finally did it. I admitted to myself that I don't trust God. Not really. I may say I do...I may think I do...I may even look like I do. But when it comes down to it, I want to be the one "running the show". I came to this realization due to the fact that I've been spending a lot of time thinking and praying about the young lady I mentioned in my previous blog. I needed to come up with a plan, with an idea of how I was going to help her. I knew that God wanted me to give Him enough credit, so to speak, to know that He could handle things. But then I freaked out. Because part of trusting someone is believing in them and what they are doing even when I don't understand, and even when, God forbid, I don't "like" it. I freaked out, because all along I've been saying "I trust you, God". I know You're going to do big things in this girl. I know You're going to help her get her act together and go on to graduate from high school, go to a great college, get a job she loves and excels at, marry a man who respects and loves her, and so on and so on. "I trust you, God". (When what I really meant was, "make sure my plan for her happens, okay God?") And, of course, God, in His not so subtle way, showed me that my so-called "trust" was really just a way of manipulating myself into believing that I had conquered the ever-present battle of what it means to trust. I freaked out, because God reminded me that maybe, just maybe, His plan isn't my plan. That maybe, this girl won't graduate from high school. Maybe she'll get pregnant and be lucky to finish her GED. Maybe she won't go to a great college. Maybe she'll be on welfare. Maybe she won't marry a man who loves and respects her. Maybe she'll go from one boyfriend to the next, forever seeking that love and affirmation. And yet, if the latter is true, does that make God any less "trustworthy"? Because, let's face it. In my mind, option #2 sucks! There's no way you could convince me that it would be better than what I've dreamed up for her. And yet, even if #2 ends up being the reality, is God still in control? Is His plan still intact, or did it somehow get thwarted?

I was sharing some of this internal battle with a friend of mine, and he said something that I'm trying to hold onto right now. He said that due to the fact that I'm human, (oh...right...sometimes I forget that :), I have such a limited view of what reality is. I see this situation and without doubt think that path #1 is the best option. But when it comes down to it, I see a minuscule speck. Somehow, God sees it all, and knows how He is going to be able to bring the most glory to Himself. Even if it is through a girl who drops out of school, gets pregnant by 16, and lives on welfare for the rest of her life.

Lost Dreams in the Reality of Life

2008-01-09T16:19:00.000-08:00

Some days are really hard. Some conversations are even harder. I got together with one of our highschoolers last night who has basically dropped out of everything good for her (including school). It can be very frustrating talking to a teenager. They tend to see everything in the here and now, and don't realize that yes, I might actually have some insight into their future (and what it's going to take to get them where they say they want to be). I haven't been around all that many years yet, but I have seen my share of kids fail; I've seen them lose interest in things, follow the path of those before them, and land themselves in a really dire situation. This girl was one who I genuinely believed was going to "make it", in spite of all the crap surrounding her. There's something in her that has always out-shined those around her. Yet after my time spent with her last night, I came home really depressed. Her dreams are fading fast, and I don't know what else to do to help revive them.

Adventures in Babysitting :)

2008-01-03T19:08:00.001-08:00

I was babysitting a few nights ago for a 6 year-old girl and her 4 1/2 year-old brother. I asked the little girl what she wanted to be when she grew up, and she replied, "A makeup artist." Hmm...that's cool, I thought. She then pulled out this giant case of makeup and said, "Want me to do your makeup?" "No," I thought, but instead replied, "Sure! That'd be great!" So, she proceeded to put about 5 different colors of blush on my cheeks, bright pink lipstick followed by some gooey lip gloss (which, by the way, she sneezed directly in before applying to my lips) on my lips, 10 shades of eyeshadow on my eyes, purple goo on my eyebrows to "keep them in place", and she topped it all off with sparkly pink fingernail polish on my nails. Boy, did I look good! And what was the 4 1/2 year old boy doing duirng all of this, you might ask? He was giving himself a makeover...and he might've just given me a run for my $ :)

It's Not Always a "Happy" Holiday

2007-12-06T07:04:00.001-08:00

I was at my small group last night. One of the people in my group shared that for her, the holidays are an incredibly painful time. She doesn't look forward to them; she wishes she could essentially just "skip over" them. She shared some of the reasons why she feels this way, and I couldn't help but think of how many other people must feel this same way. So if you love and look forward to the holidays, then know that you (and I) are blessed. Thank God every single day for the incredible goodness He's given you. Yet in the midst of your gratitude, remember to pray for those you know who may, instead of joy at this time, feel pain.

Never Without a Challenge (or a Laugh)

2007-12-04T17:54:00.000-08:00

So here's a snippet of my life as a Bible study leader for 7th & 8th grade girls:

Girl #1: "Andrea, I have a question."
Me: "Okay...shoot."
Girl #1: "How do I know that what I believe is really the truth and that I'm not believing the wrong thing?"
Me: "Wow...great question." (And then we proceed to discuss this.)

Girl #2: "I have a question, too."
Me: "Okay...go ahead."
Girl #2: "If God created everything, then where did God come from?"
Me: "Wow...you guys are killing me." (And, once again, we proceeded to discuss this.)

Girl #3: "Ooohhh, pick me!"
Me: "Yes, what's your question?"
Girl #3: "Someone once told me that rain comes from when God pees, and snow comes from when He 'dookys'. Is that true?"
Me: "No. That's called the water cycle."

Never a dull moment :)

Two Powerful Words

2007-11-29T07:05:00.000-08:00

I got very frustrated today with one of my students in the after-school program. He had a bad attitude, rushed through his homework (on which he had several mistakes), and refused to learn how to do his work correctly. I tried reasoning, I tried listening, I tried teaching; yet all of these failed. So in frustration, I got up, told him I wasn't going to help him anymore, and walked away. The thing that made me the most upset was his apathetic attitude. He didn't care if his homework was wrong, or he didn't understand how to do it; he just wanted to get it done. About 1/2 hr. later, I was upstairs in the building and this young man came up to me and said, "I'm sorry." (He went into a little more detail :) It was kind of funny how instantly my whole outlook on the day changed. Those 2 words, spoken with genuineness, moved something deep inside of me. It's kind of ironic, because he's a kid and can say those words after thinking about something for a mere 30 minutes, while I'm an adult and still find it very difficult to say them at all.

Happy Halloween!

2007-11-01T17:46:00.001-07:00

Wrestling With God

2007-10-20T11:13:00.000-07:00

I caught a glimpse of the depth of darkness in my soul the other night, and I was ashamed. I had come home after a conversation with a friend, lying in bed wanting to just fall asleep; yet that was unattainable. It wasn't just too much caffeine in my system, or the fact that I wasn't really tired...the Holy Spirit had some work He wanted to do, and I guess He figured He pretty much had my attention then.
Earlier my friend and I had this conversation regarding some inevitable events that were about to take place. I've been trying to avoid thinking about the whole situation, but as we all know, avoiding something doesn't make it go away.
As I laid there, I felt the Holy Spirit prompting me to pray about the situation, which I really haven't done much of. I didn't feel like it, yet I conceded and began to pray. (Pray, of course, for what I wanted to have happen.) It wasn't long before, once again, the Holy Spirit went to work. He was challenging me to actually pray that this person would experience the love of God, resulting in desiring to return that love. And I didn't want to pray that.
So I started "wrestling" with God. I ranted, I raved, I pleaded my case, I cried, and yet, in the end, I was the one who came out limping, yet better (I hope) for it.
I realized that I didn't want to pray for this person to actually experience the life-changing love of God because I didn't think he deserves to be forgiven. He's done too much, for too long, that is too damaging; he doesn't deserve for the slate to be wiped clean.
As the truth of my motives smacked me in the face, I was ashamed to realize that not only do I look at myself as "better" than some people, but I look at myself as more deserving of the love of God.
Inadvertently, I had placed a limit on how far God's love could reach.
I wish I could say my wrestling is over, but it's not. I still wince at the thought of praying for this person...even if it's a 1 sentence choked out prayer: "God, change him...and change me."

A Walk on the "Other Side"

2007-10-03T18:25:00.000-07:00

I love my job. (Okay, I'll admit, my sentiment at the end of every day is not always this, but deep down inside it's true.) I love the energy that enters the building as the kids trickle in from school and want to tell us about their day. I love seeing them run around the playground with abandon and huge smiles on their faces. I love the questions they ask, the stories they tell, and the hugs they give. But even more than that, I love the look that a kid gets on their face when they really "get" something, and you make a huge deal of it, telling them they're the smartest thing in the whole wide world. And, even if it's for just a moment, they believe you. I love the dreams that are born and cultivated here, the futures that are opened up to possibility, and the character that is being built. Some days are really hard, and I find myself unable to see through the difficulty of it all to the beauty waiting on the other side. Yet today I experienced one of those "other side" days, and I walked away feeling blessed to be a part of it all.

A Child's Reasoning

2007-09-25T07:37:00.001-07:00

I was watching my friends' kids for a night while they were out of town. After our long day of school and Bible study, we decided the best dinner option was McDonald's! They were soooo excited to be going there, you'd think they never eat there (right, Marcie!?) The boy took a picture of the "golden arches" with my camera phone for a long-lasting memory, and we proceeded to go inside to eat (even better, according to them). After we finished and were heading back to the car, the age-old battle began: Who gets the front seat? The boy had the front on the way there, so naturally it should be his sister's turn. However, he argued that not only is he older, he weighs more, and therefore is the only who can sit in the front. To which his sister replied, "Well, I just ate!" I cracked up. And then I reminded her that although she did just eat, so did her brother :)

Touching the Clouds

2007-09-01T14:09:00.000-07:00

A coworker and I had a "back to school party" for a group of our 4th & 5th grade girls yesterday. They're always asking when it's going to be "their turn" to have a party (usually it's the older girls who get all the fun stuff, so they think). So yesterday was their special day! It was a lot of fun, and I was reminded why we don't do it too often ;)
There was this great park near the house we were at, so we took all the girls over there for awhile. One of the girls who is extremely shy and timid asked me if I would swing with her. We walked over to the swings, I gave her a few pushes to get her going, and then I jumped on my swing. As soon as I started, she looked at me with this giant smile on her face and said, "I'm going higher than you! Look...I'm going to touch the clouds!" I decided I couldn't let a 7 year old beat me at swinging, so I started putting all my energy and concentration into it! I leaned back and stretched my legs out as far as I could as I headed towards the sky, and pumped with all my might. Needless to say, I never did quite catch her, but I treasured that moment of carefree abandon.
We found ourselves laughing and grinning from ear to ear as we "touched the clouds".

Andrea's Ark

2007-08-24T07:16:00.000-07:00

So I've decided to build an ark (similar to Noah's) and live in it; I'm thinking it might at least be dryer than my apartment!
As most of you probably know, we've been getting hit hard with storms for the past few days, and last night was the worst yet. In all my time living in Chicago, I don't think I've seen a storm like this one. My roommate and I and a friend of mine were all in our apartment when suddenly I felt something wet on my foot. I looked down and realized that water was coming through our walls! AHHHH! Before we knew it, we found ourselves trapped in the apartment with water continuously coming in both the front and back doors, and through the walls. (The water level was too high by both doors to get out.) This happened to us last fall, but thankfully this time we had a bit more "warning" and were able to get most of our things and furniture off the floor. I was so frustrated, but a really cool thing happened in the midst of all the madness: our neighbors came and began bailing us out! Because we were trapped, we'd called our landlord (who lives upstairs) and he came down with a bucket and began the "process". One of our neighbors saw him out the window, so she came over with her daughter, and a few other guys joined them. They made an assembly line and worked for probably about 1/2 hr. to get the water level down. I didn't even know 2 of the people helping, yet there they were, serving me above and beyond (keep in mind it's still storming outside as they're helping). Maybe it was because I was so on edge (or maybe it was because one doesn't experience generosity like this very often), but I suddenly felt like crying. I experienced genuine caring, and I was really challenged: would I do the same?

Cutest Baby in the World!

2007-08-20T19:01:00.000-07:00

My friend has the absolute most adorable baby I've ever seen! (I'm sure I'm not biased at all :)

Oh, How We Love Summer Camp!

2007-08-17T16:41:00.000-07:00

I got back today from a week away at Camp Timberlee with our kids from Breakthrough. I walked in my front door, shut my cell phone off, threw a load of laundry in the wash, laid down on my couch, and am now taking a bit of time to write. Needless to say, I currently feel completely exhausted! I'm blessed to have a night to myself to be refreshed.
Overall, the week went really well. We did everything from horseback riding, to wall climbing, to archery, to boat rides, to night hikes (most of which generally involved some type of screaming/freaking out.) It's so good to get away from our normal "programming" and just focus on our relationships with the kids. We took a great group of girls, with which we had a lot of laughs :) I was reminded many times of how much I love these kids and desire for them to love God.
After the final "church session" last night, one of our girls told me she needed to talk to me. We went on a walk, and she proceeded to ask me some really good questions. Things like if she believes in Jesus, why doesn't her life really look like it? What does it even look like to love God? How do you tell your friends about God, and why is it so scary? I definitely didn't have all the answers, and she seemed okay with that. I did try to encourage her by saying that the way in which we love Jesus doesn't always look the same for everyone. For instance, the way I love Jesus might be very different from the way she loves Jesus, or her mom loves Jesus. I told her various ways in which I'd observed her loving God that week by the way she treated other people in our group, or helped wipe off the tables without complaining, or sang songs during rally time. We talked for quite awhile, and I pray that this conversation with her will continue on even into the future...
I've been really discouraged lately when it comes to the girls; I can't help but be grateful for how God used this week to remind me in part of why He's given me the privilege of being involved in their lives.

Am I Grateful?

2007-08-07T06:05:00.000-07:00

I teach a summer girls' swimming class, and yesterday was our last day for the summer. As a result, we were taking the girls to dinner at Pizza Hut after class to celebrate our fun times together :) Now, I enjoy being able to do things like this; I'm glad that Breakthrough has the means. Yet I found myself getting so frustrated with the lack of gratefulness I saw in many of the girls. It just wasn't enough! They wanted breadsticks, more pizza, more __________, and there was grumbling and complaining when I said we were not getting any more! We were finished eating and one of the girls leaned over to me and asked me if I would buy her something. I looked at her and told her "I did buy you something. I just bought you pizza and pop." AHHHHHHH!
I got home and was thinking about the night, and recalled a conversation my friend Sarah and I had a few days ago. We were talking about basic privileges we have, such as food to eat, a bed to sleep in, clothes to wear, etc.... and how I almost always treat these things as a "given"; as something I'm supposed to have. How often do I stop and find myself being grateful...really grateful, for these things?
It's funny how the lack of gratefulness I see in others irritates me so much, yet when it's myself, I don't even think twice.

Laughing In The Dark

2007-07-27T09:29:00.000-07:00

"Some days
are dim
as alleyways
where the streetlights' glow
can't reach
and laughter
is the one and only spark
luminous enough
to pierce
the dark."

Too Close to Home

2007-07-23T19:43:00.000-07:00

It's always easier when it's just a random family on the news. I see their grief, and I may even feel a twinge of empathy for them before I move on to my own busy day. Yet when it happens to a family I love and care deeply about; when a 23 year old young man I know is killed, gun violence stops being just another statistic or late-night news story. It's real, it takes lives, and it tears families apart.
I walked down the block today. A lot of the family members were there sitting out front. I gave some hugs, sat down and talked to a few people a bit, and loved on a baby. I felt so incredibly helpless! There was absolutely nothing I could say in that moment that would make anyone feel better or lessen the pain of this loss.
So I sat in the chair out front, loved on the baby, and prayed.
In moments like these, that has to be enough.

It Starts with 1

2007-07-16T19:26:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling a sort of heaviness lately for our kids, especially the girls that we work with. My mind has frequently over the past few days been going to a place of "mourning", so to speak. I feel as if there's a complete lack of spiritual interest in our kids, and it scares me. I keep thinking about that passage in the Bible where God is ready to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah (Gen.18-19) and Abraham goes to God pleading for the people. He doesn't want the righteous to get destroyed with the wicked. They go back and forth, starting with 50 people all the way down to 10, and yet even that number proves to be too large; the city is destroyed. The city was spiritually dead! I don't want to lose an entire generation of our kids because they are spiritually dead. I've begun praying that God will raise up 1 girl amongst our group to be the leader for the rest; to be the one who will stand in the gap and challenge her culture, her friends, and even us "leaders".
It was stated to me the other night that often people tend to grow in their faith due to what they see and are challenged by in their peers. I don't want to settle for mediocrity. I believe that our kids can be passionate and excited and growing in their journeys with Christ. And I want to pray to that end.

Mackinaw Island

2007-07-16T16:50:00.000-07:00

I went camping for a few days over the 4th with a friend of mine, Sarah. We had a lot of fun! I just now got around to downloading some pictures of some of the adventures we had, so enjoy :)

How Do I Explain When I Don't Understand?

2007-07-10T19:04:00.000-07:00

I went out to dinner tonight with 2 girls who I try and do something with at least weekly. It had been awhile since we'd "hung out", and I was really looking forward to it! We ended up having a really fun time together; they make me laugh :)
Towards the end of dinner, the question of God's "punishment" came up, and a pretty good discussion ensued. It all started with one of the girls asking a hypothetical question: What did I think God would do to punish us if we left the restaurant without paying the bill? I proceeded to explain that personally, I don't think there's a "rule book" that God follows for things like that. It's not like if we steal a pack of gum, later that day someone will make fun of us, yet if we steal an entire wallet, we'll get hit by a car.
If, hypothetically, we left without paying the bill, absolutely nothing bad could happen to us. Also if, hypothetically, we left without paying the bill, we could get into a car accident on the way home. Does that mean in the first instance God is "letting us slide", while in the other He's "punishing" us?
I told her that, unlike people where our tendency is if you hit me I'll hit you back, God doesn't necessarily work that way. Yes, our "wrong" does disappoint God, and probably even makes Him angry. We'll often face consequences for our bad decisions, yet sometimes we may not. As far as my experience goes, there's no "science" to God...He's a bit more complicated than that.
Sometimes, like tonight, after a conversation like this, I walk away feeling completely inadequate in my understanding of God. Yet I like questions like this...it makes me think, even though I don't have any really "good" answer...

To Go or Not To Go

2007-07-01T16:23:00.001-07:00

Do you ever find yourself driving to church on a Sunday morning, only to feel yourself becoming extremely envious of those who aren't headed there? You know...the people out for a jog, or on a leisurely bike ride; the ones enjoying brunch at an outdoor cafe, or all packed up and headed for the beach? Last night I decided that I was going to be one of those people that everyone else gets envious of :) I slept in until 10:00 a.m., made myself pancakes for breakfast as I watched the news, and then headed out for a bike ride (on my newly purchased bike as of yesterday!) There was only 1 problem: I felt kind of guilty. For various reasons, I haven't been to my church since the end of May. And well, now it's July. I'd told myself earlier in the week that I was going to suck it up and go today, yet somehow when I got home late last night, it didn't seem all that appealing. So, I didn't. I mean, is it really beneficial if I'm only going to church out of a sense of guilt? I know, I know, now I sound like I'm trying to justify myself, and maybe I am. Regardless, I did spend 3 great hours down by the lake biking, soaking in the sun, and enjoying the scenery. Maybe that was just the kind of "church" that I needed today.

The Great Outdoors

2007-06-25T15:52:00.000-07:00

This past weekend some of our staff took a few girls on a camping trip. It's been quite awhile since I've been camping, and I was really looking forward to it! We did all kinds of fun stuff: rock climbing and repelling off a 100 ft. cliff & tubing down the river (it was supposed to be a "lazy" tube, but ended up being more of a "panicky" one :) We ate about 1,000,000 smores (each) & enjoyed a few campfire games. It was fun just to be together without a big agenda. It was a good reminder to me that these girls, although at times they may seem very "grown", are still just figuring out who they are and who they want to be.

A Good Day

2007-06-24T14:36:00.000-07:00

I got a free burrito and a new tattoo all in one day!

(Sorry to break it to you this way, mom and dad :)

"Congratulations, Graduate!"

2007-06-12T07:44:00.000-07:00

I had the privilege of attending the 8th grade graduation of a girl I've known for a few years now. She called me a few days ago and left a message inviting me to come, and my first thought was, "No, I don't really want to go. I'll just get her a gift and tell her 'Congratulations! I'm proud of you!'" But as I thought a bit more about it, I realized that it's an honor to be included in this event, and I really wanted to be there to support her. The ceremony was so funny! It lasted 2 hours (Yes, for an 8th grade graduation), but as I sat there, I felt like a proud parent (which, if you know her mom, is pretty hard to top with her yelling out every few minutes, "My Baby! Oh...that's My Baby!"). I was proud to be cheering her on through this milestone in her life and wishing her much success in the next phase of her journey. After the ceremony, she came up and hugged me, thanking me for coming. I could only say, "I wouldn't have missed it!". And I was glad I didn't.

Vacation at Last!

2007-06-12T07:30:00.001-07:00

Our after-school program finished up a few weeks ago, making it the perfect time for our staff to head off on a much needed vacation :) I was able to go to Florida for a week with my family, which is a rarity getting us all together for that long with our conflicting schedules. It was very hot most days (Chicago seems like a breeze compared to that), but we still managed to have a good time. We went to Universal Studios, Sea World, the Kennedy Space Center, and the beach (can you guess...that was my great idea!) We were busy, but it was a fun time! I could get used to this. I vote to make it a tradition!

Chicago Botanical Gardens

2007-06-01T13:19:00.000-07:00

Here's a taste of some of the great pics. I got at the Chicago Botanical Gardens. If you've never been, you have to check it out sometime! It's beautiful there.

Why Do We Feel the Need to SPEAK?

2007-05-24T09:50:00.000-07:00

I was at my small group last night, and we split off into groups of 4 to spend some time praying for one another. One of the girls in my group shared that she recently ended a 5 year relationship with a man. She loved him and wanted to spend the rest of her life with him, yet due to certain circumstances, she decided to end the relationship. She's hurting, she's doubting herself, she's scared, and she's sad (to say the least).
In the midst of her sharing, another person in our group felt the need to continually open her mouth and offer "words of reassurance" to this woman. I couldn't help but internally cringe at some of the trite phrases and statements she was making. WHY DID SHE FEEL THE NEED TO SPEAK AT ALL?
Why do we have such a difficult time being with someone who's hurting and accepting the fact that we have nothing to say that is going to make their hurt go away? It's hard...I've experienced this myself many times. I want to "fix" things, but often life doesn't work that way. Sometimes we're called to just "be" in a space with someone for however long they need us to be there, where words can not only be ineffective, but even more harmful.

I Don't Want to Drown

2007-05-12T11:29:00.000-07:00

I went down for a walk on the lake path yesterday and, as usual, stopped about 1/2 way through my walk to sit in my favorite spot. Sometimes I'll pray, sometimes I'll observe, and sometimes I'll just feel the sun on my face and breathe deeply.
This day was quite a windy day, and as I sat there, I became mesmerized by watching the waves of Lake Michigan rolling and crashing into the rocks. I couldn't help but think: "This is how my spirit has felt lately; like there's these tumultuous waves crashing around inside of me, leaving me feeling quite unsettled." And I've been fighting so hard against it. I don't want to feel uneasy or unsettled, like a storm is brewing. I much prefer feeling that peaceful serenity.
And yet in the midst of my musings, God brought this thought to mind: If a swimmer finds oneself in the middle of a storm, to fight against the waves will only exhaust one faster and lead to more sure death. However, if one allows himself to "feel" the waves (to roll with rather than against them), there is a much better chance of survival.
It's hard to believe that God has placed this "unsettling" in my soul for a reason. I pray that He'll give me grace to roll with the waves rather than continuing to fight against them and drown.

The Lone Star State

2007-05-05T13:32:00.000-07:00

I spent last weekend in Dallas, Texas with an old friend of mine, Tasha. Most of our friendship has been spent with both of us in separate states, and it was fantastic to finally be in the same place for 4 days, having lots of fun, experiencing new things, and simply being together.

We started my vacation off on a good note with pedicures! It was my first one ever. I've never gotten one before due to the extreme ticklish nature of my feet, but I made it through with only a few uncontrollable "jerks" :) Even now, a week later, my toenails still look great! (I think this may become my new luxury...)

Of course, being in Texas, Tasha made SURE that I was able to experience the grandiose nature of a rodeo. I think I was holding my breath every time a cowboy came out of the shoot riding a crazy bull. I was nervous for them! (And you thought SKYDIVING was dangerous...not even close!)

My last night there we went to this revolving restaurant in down-town Dallas that's up really high so you can see the entire city. It was a gorgeous view! We saw the sunset, as well as all the city lights at night, and enjoyed an over-priced meal :)

After I got back home and was thinking about my visit, I couldn't help but smile. Friends like this are hard to come by, and they should be treasured. I was reminded of this, even in a crazy Southern town like Dallas.

HOPE

2007-05-02T20:56:00.000-07:00

Someone at my small group tonight made the following comment:

"Hope is a future without fear."

I like that.

When Did I Become the Censor?

2007-04-24T20:04:00.000-07:00

We took our girls' indoor soccer team to a Chicago Fire soccer game Saturday night. We had great seats, the Fire won, we got free hot dogs AND free t-shirts, and the girls got them signed by a few players (the shirts, not the hot dogs :) On the drive home, the girls started singing various songs that are popular on the radio. One of the girls in the front seat leaned forward and asked me if I liked the song they were singing. Then, she would holler back and pass the info. along to the rest of the girls. If I did like it, they would keep singing. If I didn't, they would stop and pick another song to sing. This seriously proceeded for the entire van ride home (about 1/2 hr.) Every song would be "checked"by me. It became quite humorous; I mean, when did I become the censor?

Last Minute Papers

2007-04-24T19:53:00.000-07:00

One of our 8th grade girls has her "Big" paper due, guess when, TOMORROW. She's known about this for about 1 month now, and she even did her research, notecards, etc... Every time I've seen her I've asked her if she wants to work on it, and her continual response has been, "Not right now...I have to go." So, today, I ask her if it's done. And, of course, SHE HASN'T EVEN STARTED! She says she doesn't care; she's not going to do it and just take summer school. I, quite sarcastically, replied that "Yes, that's definitely the better decision here." So, before I know it, it's 6:15 and she marches into the office begging for help to get this thing done. I have to say, it took about every ounce of empathy in my body to say "yes". I wanted to tell her too bad! You've wasted all this time, and this is your responsibility! Your lack of planning does not constitute an emergency on my part! (right Marcie? :) But, when it came down to it, I know that this paper is a big part of her grade and she needs to turn it in. So I helped her. For 2 1/2 hrs. we worked on it. It's not the best paper ever. She didn't cite her information, she didn't proofread it, but it's done.
Was I right to help her? I don't know. It's true, she has to learn responsibility. But maybe the biggest paper of the year isn't the time to teach that lesson. Or maybe it is.

A Good Read

2007-04-22T15:48:00.000-07:00

My friend Sarah has a knack for recommending good books for me to read. She loaned me the following book and I finished it in 2 days. It's fiction and easy to read, and has some really interesting underlying points. Check it out sometime!

The Continuing Story of VA Tech.

2007-04-19T08:16:00.000-07:00

I turned on the news this morning at 7:30 a.m. and was greeted with video clips that Cho Seung Hui had recorded of himself. They were incredibly disturbing, and it made me upset that the news stations were even showing this! How does letting everyone see this video in ANY WAY make things better? It merely continues to exacerbate the situation. Sometimes it blows my mind to see the stupidity of our media.
I was pleased to see, a few minutes later, that as Dr. Michael Welmer (a psychiatrist) was being interviewed, he stated, "Stop showing this video now! This is a social catastrophe."
At least someone had some sense this morning.

Staff Meetings

2007-04-17T16:25:00.000-07:00

I really like the people I work with. We had our monthly all-day staff meeting today, and for part of it we broke up into our "teams" (I'm part of the Youth and Family Team), shared prayer requests, and then went around the room and prayed for the other teams in our organization. For the last segment, I was at our table explaining the prayer requests my team had come up with to the Women's Team. We then took the next few minutes and their team lifted up all our requests. It was incredibly encouraging to sit with these women and hear them pour out their hearts on our behalf. At the end, one of the women stated that at her church, after a time of prayer, they all lift up praise to God in thanks for what they believe He will do. So we all started clapping. (I will admit it felt a little strange to me, but the more I thought about it, the more I liked it :)
I learn a lot from the people I work with, and I appreciate them. Days like this are good reminders of that.

An EveryDay Funny Moment

2007-04-10T06:41:00.000-07:00

I teach a Bible study for 5th-6th grade girls, and last night we were talking about "Emotions". We had different situations that could occur, and then we were supposed to write down what emotion we would feel in that situation, and what we'd want to do. One of the situations was the following: "I get a snail-mail letter from a long-distance friend." When sharing our responses, this is what one of the girls in our group said: "I would be confused, because I don't know how to read SNAIL." And she was serious :)

My own private worship service

2007-04-08T18:27:00.000-07:00

The 5 1/2 hr. drive from Bellefontaine, OH to Chicago can seem pretty long and monotonous, seeing as there's pretty much nothing but mile after mile of flat farm (and sometimes not farm) land. So today, I decided to take advantage of all that uninterrupted time and use it to worship the God we just celebrated this weekend. I prayed, I sang at the top of my lungs, I cried, I shouted, I listened...you know, all the really important things :) And it was pretty cool, because about half-way through my trip (which up to that point had been shrouded in the darkness of an imminent storm), I saw on the horizon ahead a small glimmer of sunshine. I felt myself pushing harder on the gas pedal in order to "catch" it, and you know what? I did! About 20 minutes later I was surrounded by clear blue skies and the sun shining brightly all around me. It was beautiful...it brought a smile to my face, and a whole new perspective to my drive.

It made me think of the times in life where we feel surrounded by darkness, and all we can see is a tiny glimmer of light. Maybe, just maybe, if we chase that tiny glimmer, we'll find ourselves before long basking in the beauty and wonder of God.

Small Group

2007-04-05T16:19:00.000-07:00

It takes a lot of time and effort to meet new people, neither of which I've had much of lately. A friend and I have been going to this new church, and we decided that we should join a small group in order to get to know some people (along with a few other reasons). And last night was the first night of this new group. I thought about NOT going approximately 32 times throughout the day, and I had what I thought were some pretty good reasons. But, when it came down to it, I decided to quit being a "lame" (as the girls would say) and just go! And really, it wasn't all that bad :) In fact, I might actually enjoy this new group. Maybe a little time and effort won't be so taxing after all.

"Jesus Did NOT Come to Help Me Be a Better King!"

2007-03-26T06:55:00.000-07:00

My pastor at New Community, in my opinion, is a phenomenal teacher! He is one of those rare people I've found in life that draws me in and makes me want to listen to them for hours. Rarely do I walk away from church without being challenged. I often find myself internally saying "Ouch" to something he says...it hits the mark. Yesterday he was preaching about the "Gospel" (I know, a scary word for some), and how ultimately, the Gospel is about the Kingdom of God. To put it briefly, everything we do in life either adversely or positively affects the Kingdom.
Jesus came to invite me to be a part of His Kingdom, not to help me be a better King!

"He's not my Daddy...He's just my Father"

2007-03-21T18:31:00.000-07:00

These words were said to me yesterday by a girl who, for the past 14 years of her life, has been lacking a "daddy" in her life. He's been back in the picture for a few months and thinks that he suddenly has the right to assert authority over her. And, naturally, she's balking at the whole idea. Just because he's her biological father doesn't mean that he has earned any right to be heard in her life. She's beginning to allow herself to feel the deep pain, hurt, and disappointment that he's caused her. Whoever said that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" must not have had an absentee parent, because "fondness" is certainly not the emotion that has been born from this absence.

How do kids come up with these things? :)

2007-03-17T13:42:00.000-07:00

I had my own adventures in motherhood the past few days as I was staying with 3 kids while their parents were out of town. It's funny how you can appreciate the freedoms of "singlehood" so much more after a stint like this :) One night, the youngest child, who is 3 years old, came over and crawled up on my lap. She snuggled up and laid her head on my shoulder. I asked her if she was tired and wanted to go to bed. She said no. I reminded her that she'd only had a short nap in the car that day to which she replied, "I wasn't sleeping...I was praying."

"I will never find the best of me, until I find myself in You."

2007-03-11T12:05:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling the pressure of life lately. Go, Go, Go, with barely any time to breathe in between one thing and the next. So a few weeks ago I booked myself a room at this resort in Elkhart Lake, WI and I spent some time there this weekend. I turned my phone off for 24 hrs. (yes, I know, hard to do, but not impossible!). I often have great intentions of spending time with just me and God, but somehow I always seem to be interrupted or distracted. I needed this. After I took a walk, enjoying silence that I haven't heard in awhile, I sat down to write. Here's a piece of what came out:

"It's been such a long time, God. I feel as if I've been trying to survive off of my 'past encounters' with You and have no present ones of which to speak. I've been feeling suffocated and wanted to take this day for not only some space, but in order to remember how to simply take a deep breath again. To remember what it means to "commune" with You. So here I am. I've pulled a chair up to the table, and I'm excited to spend some time with You."

Needless to say, I wasn't disappointed. I believe that whenever we intentionally clear out some space for God, He'll make His presence known in one way or another. I did my share of crying, smiling, and yes, even a little dancing :) I came away refreshed.

Sometimes we have to retreat in order to be able to keep fighting.

Dreaming for Another...

2007-03-06T19:56:00.000-08:00

A friend relayed this quote to me tonight, and the more I think about it, the more I like it :) She paraphrased it for me, which I'll do for you as well (I tried to find the actual quote online, but got tired of looking, so if you know it, send it my way).

"To dream for oneself is one thing,

But to dream for another is something."

I was telling the story of how one of my young friends called me today asking for my advice. I was figuring she just wanted to know what shirt she should wear that day, but it ended up being a much heavier conversation than that. She's a young teenager, recently had a baby, and the baby's daddy is in jail. They've been talking on the phone and he told her he thinks he wants to "be" with her once he gets out. Everyone in her family is telling her she should go for it, and she wanted to know what I thought. I told her I thought it was a horrible idea! Why should he be allowed to not only screw up his own life, but hers in the process? Doesn't she realize that she deserves so much better than that?

That's when my friend who I was telling this to shared this quote with me. She encouraged me to continue this conversation with this girl, letting her know that I'm walking through this with her. I believe in her, and I dream that she has more in store for her in this life than this guy could ever give her, even when she can't see it or dream it for herself.

"I DON'T BELONG"

2007-03-04T13:54:00.000-08:00

I'm going to this new church, and I have to say that I really like it! I'm being challenged in a way that's been missing for awhile, and I truly look forward to going. One of the things I like the most is that the pastor doesn't take the "easy way out". He really digs into a passage and pulls out meaning that I feel is so profound, yet usually merely glossed over by others.

Today he made the following statement that has really got me thinking. He said the Gospel is this:

We are more sinful and more rebellious than we ever dared believe,

yet more loved and more accepted than we ever dared hope.

I AM NOT WORTHY TO SIT AT THE FATHER'S TABLE! I DON'T BELONG!

Yet because of Christ, I AM, and I DO!

"Family Reunion"

2007-03-04T12:41:00.000-08:00

Everyone came together for my grandma's funeral this past week. It was actually a really nice service. The people who spoke about my grandma had some great memories to share, and it was beautiful to see the legacy she'd left behind with her life. The pastor actually shared how he was reading the 23rd Psalm to my grandma (her favorite Psalm) one day. She appeared to be sleeping, and had been very unresponsive for days. However, as soon as he read the first line of the Psalm, "The Lord is my Shepherd", she opened her eyes and said, "Yes, He sure is." I'd been holding it together fairly well up to this point, but as soon as he said that, the tears broke loose once again. (Good thing I'd brought some tissues along!)

Due to all the family coming together, the funeral ended up being somewhat of a reunion. I'm not that close to my extended family, but I absolutely LOVE hearing when my aunts and uncles share stories from their lives. They talked about WWII and how they had to have food stamps and ration certain supplies. My uncle shared about how he dated this woman for 7 years (seems practically impossible, right?) and then was stationed over in England, asked her to come with, and she refused. So, he ended up meeting my aunt and marrying her instead! I asked my mom if there were any men in her life that could've ended up being my dad and she told me the following:
There was a guy she was dating and I guess was pretty serious about, but there was one catch: he worked at a funeral home, and his job was transporting the bodies. To make matters worse, occasionally he would pick her up for dates in his hearse, WITH THE DEAD BODIES IN THE BACK OF THE CAR! He figured he might as well drop the body off at whatever funeral home he needed to on the way to their date. How resourceful of him! Well, he picked my mom up once again for a date in, of course, his hearse! They went out, (the whole time the body was hitting my mom in the back of the head as they drove) and my mom finally couldn't take it any more! She broke things off with him (yea mom!) and the rest is history. Just think...I could've had a dad who drove me to school each morning in his hearse! (Just as a side note, I think she picked the right one with my dad :) What a great story! It's so interesting to hear about the lives of people BEFORE they were who I know them to be!
You never know what you just might learn about someone that you never thought possible.

Dear Grandma

2007-02-26T07:43:00.000-08:00

I wrote this in my journal last night starting at 11:08 p.m. I got a call from my mom this morning saying that Grandma had passed around 11:30 p.m. last night.

I hate how I'm really good at keeping myself preoccupied during the day so I don't have to think about certain things, but when nighttime comes, it's a losing battle. I pray that sleep will come quickly and take me to the blessed land of dreamworld, but I rarely luck out enough for that to happen.
Take tonight, for instance. I've been tired all day, managed to avoid thinking too much about my grandma, and I jumped into bed ready to get a good night's sleep. Yet the elusiveness of my slumber gave my mind and heart time to finally grieve this great loss that is soon to come. The tears started as a trickle, yet turned into rivers flooding down my face, releasing my pent-up emotions.
My Grandma is about to die.
There, I wrote it!
And that makes me sad as hell.
I think of the times that I didn't treasure, the moments that I let pass. The cards that I never wrote, and the "I love yous" I didn't say. And now it's too late. I think of the beautiful woman she is; of the legacy of faith she passed on to my mother, who is passing it on to me. I think of the love she poured over me and the sadness in her as our family would leave after a visit. I think of the cards she regularly sent me in college with $5 to "treat myself" and a Bible verse. And then I think of her in the nursing home, sad, lonely, and seemingly out of place.
I prayed her off to Jesus tonight. I told her it's okay, she can go. Because even though the tears running down my face are out of sadness, the tears running down His are out of joy. He's been waiting for her to finally come home.
I love you, Grandma.
Go.
I'll see you there someday.

2007-02-24T08:02:00.000-08:00

I found myself sitting in the waiting room of Planned Parenthood the other day with a 15 year-old girl who had asked me to take her to get birth control. Her twin sister recently had a baby, and after that traumatic experience :) she decided she didn't want to have the same fate. We were sitting there as she filled out all the paperwork, and it was quite humorous the questions she would ask me to "explain" to her. (Let's just say that a few of them I told her if she didn't know already, I didn't want to be the one to answer for her!) It's interesting to see how my perspective on certain things have changed in the past few years. Honestly, I don't think I ever would've imagined taking a teenage girl to get birth control, yet there I sat.
It's also been really strange since the other sister had her baby. I keep thinking of what my life would be like if I'd had a child at 15 years old. He'd already be 9. WOW! I can't even imagine how her life will be so different from what she's known up to this point. I'm sad for her lost childhood. I'm scared that she won't have any idea how to be a parent. And I just keep thinking, "Is this it? Is this going to be her life?"
Sometimes a dream dies of its own volition, and sometimes it's killed. Sometimes it gets buried and we just forget it's there. But I have to admit, as these two sisters were sitting in my office a few days ago telling me, "My life's not over. I can still be anything I want to be, " I couldn't help but feel joy. Joy that, at least for now, their dreams are still alive. And I pray to God that they will not only remain alive, but one day be realized.

+-+

You Ever Had a Black Eye?

2007-02-21T22:08:00.000-08:00

I walked out of work tonight only to be whacked with a snowball that was going, oh, I'd guess about 76.3 mph. Where? IN THE EYE! A kid who lives across the street was messing around, throwing snowballs at the kids in our program as they walked out the door. He wasn't intentionally aiming for me, but I guess I had perfectly bad timing and walked out at the exact moment he released the snowball. You should've heard the gasp from our kids! It's funny now that I look back on it, but I'll admit, at the time, it hurt quite a bit, and I was definitely mad. However, I chose to simply walk to the bus and help corrall all the kids on. The response to this incident was very endearing. One of our highschoolers walked over to me with the snowball perpetrator in his grasp and demanded that he apologize. He did, and I accepted. What was even better was as I got on the bus, the kids were all talking about it, asking if I was okay, and telling me how they couldn't believe I didn't go pummel the kid. One boy even told me he'd take care of it for me tomorrow, and a girl told me she'd cry with me if I wanted to cry :)
It was a great teaching moment also. We've been trying to combat in our kids the whole mentality of "you hit me and I'll hit you back", which only serves to escalate a situation. Someone has to decide to be the "bigger person" and just walk away and let it go. I was able to apply that to my situation, and I hope it at least made one kid think.
Now let's just hope I won't wake up tomorrow with a black eye :)

Life-Giving Friendship

2007-02-20T07:35:00.000-08:00

It started out as just a meeting for coffee with a friend, to "catch up" on life with one another. Yet before I knew what had happened, I was baring my soul to her! I've been feeling this unexplainable "heaviness". I don't know where it came from or why I'm experiencing it, but I was driving yesterday and just started crying. I was sitting there explaining this to her, and for a moment, I felt this incredible release. She listens so well, and I felt as if she understood me when I barely understand myself right now. She didn't have any answers for me, but that's okay. I didn't need answers. I just needed someone to "be" with me, someone who I know I can share anything with. Thank God I have a friend like this.

Life is not meant to be lived alone. Yet I often find it extremely difficult and exhausting to build the kind of friendships that are "life-giving".

There Is None Like You

2007-02-19T12:24:00.000-08:00

"There is none like You
No one else can touch my heart like You do
I could search for all eternity long
And find
There is none like You."

"Your mercy flows like a river wide
And healing comes in Your Name
Helpless children are safe in Your arms
And there is none like You."

I feel like a helples child today, God. Touch me like only You can do.

Here's to Valentine's Day!

2007-02-17T07:59:00.000-08:00

"Valentine's Day"...
It's a day that can strike fear, depression, and anxiety in the hearts of single people (especially women) all across the nation. I was feeling a bit of this myself when a lovely bouquet of flowers was delivered to my workplace. For WHO? ME! It was hilarious to see all the kids rush over to see who they were from. I knew what to expect when I opened the card, but I have to say the excitement quickly faded for them when the card read, "Love Mom and Dad" :)
After work, rather than wallowing in my self-pity about my dateless condition, I decided to go out to dinner with a few friends. We had a good time together. I'm thankful for my friends. And I'm also thankful that I can breathe a sigh of relief that another Valentine's Day has passed without me resorting to eating a box of those "chalk-tasting" candy hearts just so I can read the sentimental words to myself :)

I finally caved

2007-02-13T19:21:00.000-08:00

I've been resisting the wave of "my spacers", "facebookers", bloggers, etc... for quite some time now. I didn't want to do the next BIG thing just because it was the next BIG thing. But, as you can see, I finally caved. I love to write. I find it often helps me process "Life", and I really like sharing my thoughts with other people. I figure this way instead of always sending out one of those dreaded bulk emails, you can log on and read at your leisure. So, have fun, and read away! (No promises, but I'll try and stay somewhat updated...)