I caught a glimpse of the depth of darkness in my soul the other night, and I was ashamed. I had come home after a conversation with a friend, lying in bed wanting to just fall asleep; yet that was unattainable. It wasn't just too much caffeine in my system, or the fact that I wasn't really tired...the Holy Spirit had some work He wanted to do, and I guess He figured He pretty much had my attention then.
Earlier my friend and I had this conversation regarding some inevitable events that were about to take place. I've been trying to avoid thinking about the whole situation, but as we all know, avoiding something doesn't make it go away.
As I laid there, I felt the Holy Spirit prompting me to pray about the situation, which I really haven't done much of. I didn't feel like it, yet I conceded and began to pray. (Pray, of course, for what I wanted to have happen.) It wasn't long before, once again, the Holy Spirit went to work. He was challenging me to actually pray that this person would experience the love of God, resulting in desiring to return that love. And I didn't want to pray that.
So I started "wrestling" with God. I ranted, I raved, I pleaded my case, I cried, and yet, in the end, I was the one who came out limping, yet better (I hope) for it.
I realized that I didn't want to pray for this person to actually experience the life-changing love of God because I didn't think he deserves to be forgiven. He's done too much, for too long, that is too damaging; he doesn't deserve for the slate to be wiped clean.
As the truth of my motives smacked me in the face, I was ashamed to realize that not only do I look at myself as "better" than some people, but I look at myself as more deserving of the love of God.
Inadvertently, I had placed a limit on how far God's love could reach.
I wish I could say my wrestling is over, but it's not. I still wince at the thought of praying for this person...even if it's a 1 sentence choked out prayer: "God, change him...and change me."
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4 comments:
I am so impressed with your honesty and willingness to share this with me, and others. What a great lesson you learned Andrea...
And you are such a better person for it. This is something we all struggle with, I have definitely been thinking about it lately since we had this conversation. How I should pray for God's will to be done and not my wishes, that requires truly trusting in HIM completely...something I still need to master. Thanks for the insight and reminder. I like you buddy.
I like how C.S Lewis put it, "To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you." I agree with his statement in word, but not sure how it works out in deed. I wonder where the fine line is between wanting God to do a transformative work in someone's life, and wanting to protect the people we love from toxic or dangerous people. In the parable of the unforgiving servant (the one about loaning money), the first man forgives the unpaid loan...it doesn't say that he loans the man money again.
Val gave me a great book on this is forgiveness phenomenon called "What's so Amazing about Grace".
I have so much to learn on this subject.
Hey Andrea...
L@@K at meee~
http://zz3415.blogspot.com/2007/11/you-dont-always-get-what-you-want-but.html
Ohhhh...the story of Jonah runs through my head. Then...Pastor Willetts sermon yesterday where he talked a little about the parable of the workers that came early and then later and then last and all got paid the same. The last thought? Ouch...you poked a spot that runs deep in me. I guess I'm glad for the song "God's Still Workin' On Me'.
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