Dear Grandma

I wrote this in my journal last night starting at 11:08 p.m. I got a call from my mom this morning saying that Grandma had passed around 11:30 p.m. last night.

I hate how I'm really good at keeping myself preoccupied during the day so I don't have to think about certain things, but when nighttime comes, it's a losing battle. I pray that sleep will come quickly and take me to the blessed land of dreamworld, but I rarely luck out enough for that to happen.
Take tonight, for instance. I've been tired all day, managed to avoid thinking too much about my grandma, and I jumped into bed ready to get a good night's sleep. Yet the elusiveness of my slumber gave my mind and heart time to finally grieve this great loss that is soon to come. The tears started as a trickle, yet turned into rivers flooding down my face, releasing my pent-up emotions.
My Grandma is about to die.
There, I wrote it!
And that makes me sad as hell.
I think of the times that I didn't treasure, the moments that I let pass. The cards that I never wrote, and the "I love yous" I didn't say. And now it's too late. I think of the beautiful woman she is; of the legacy of faith she passed on to my mother, who is passing it on to me. I think of the love she poured over me and the sadness in her as our family would leave after a visit. I think of the cards she regularly sent me in college with $5 to "treat myself" and a Bible verse. And then I think of her in the nursing home, sad, lonely, and seemingly out of place.
I prayed her off to Jesus tonight. I told her it's okay, she can go. Because even though the tears running down my face are out of sadness, the tears running down His are out of joy. He's been waiting for her to finally come home.
I love you, Grandma.
Go.
I'll see you there someday.

I found myself sitting in the waiting room of Planned Parenthood the other day with a 15 year-old girl who had asked me to take her to get birth control. Her twin sister recently had a baby, and after that traumatic experience :) she decided she didn't want to have the same fate. We were sitting there as she filled out all the paperwork, and it was quite humorous the questions she would ask me to "explain" to her. (Let's just say that a few of them I told her if she didn't know already, I didn't want to be the one to answer for her!) It's interesting to see how my perspective on certain things have changed in the past few years. Honestly, I don't think I ever would've imagined taking a teenage girl to get birth control, yet there I sat.
It's also been really strange since the other sister had her baby. I keep thinking of what my life would be like if I'd had a child at 15 years old. He'd already be 9. WOW! I can't even imagine how her life will be so different from what she's known up to this point. I'm sad for her lost childhood. I'm scared that she won't have any idea how to be a parent. And I just keep thinking, "Is this it? Is this going to be her life?"
Sometimes a dream dies of its own volition, and sometimes it's killed. Sometimes it gets buried and we just forget it's there. But I have to admit, as these two sisters were sitting in my office a few days ago telling me, "My life's not over. I can still be anything I want to be, " I couldn't help but feel joy. Joy that, at least for now, their dreams are still alive. And I pray to God that they will not only remain alive, but one day be realized.

+-+

You Ever Had a Black Eye?

I walked out of work tonight only to be whacked with a snowball that was going, oh, I'd guess about 76.3 mph. Where? IN THE EYE! A kid who lives across the street was messing around, throwing snowballs at the kids in our program as they walked out the door. He wasn't intentionally aiming for me, but I guess I had perfectly bad timing and walked out at the exact moment he released the snowball. You should've heard the gasp from our kids! It's funny now that I look back on it, but I'll admit, at the time, it hurt quite a bit, and I was definitely mad. However, I chose to simply walk to the bus and help corrall all the kids on. The response to this incident was very endearing. One of our highschoolers walked over to me with the snowball perpetrator in his grasp and demanded that he apologize. He did, and I accepted. What was even better was as I got on the bus, the kids were all talking about it, asking if I was okay, and telling me how they couldn't believe I didn't go pummel the kid. One boy even told me he'd take care of it for me tomorrow, and a girl told me she'd cry with me if I wanted to cry :)
It was a great teaching moment also. We've been trying to combat in our kids the whole mentality of "you hit me and I'll hit you back", which only serves to escalate a situation. Someone has to decide to be the "bigger person" and just walk away and let it go. I was able to apply that to my situation, and I hope it at least made one kid think.
Now let's just hope I won't wake up tomorrow with a black eye :)

Life-Giving Friendship

It started out as just a meeting for coffee with a friend, to "catch up" on life with one another. Yet before I knew what had happened, I was baring my soul to her! I've been feeling this unexplainable "heaviness". I don't know where it came from or why I'm experiencing it, but I was driving yesterday and just started crying. I was sitting there explaining this to her, and for a moment, I felt this incredible release. She listens so well, and I felt as if she understood me when I barely understand myself right now. She didn't have any answers for me, but that's okay. I didn't need answers. I just needed someone to "be" with me, someone who I know I can share anything with. Thank God I have a friend like this.

Life is not meant to be lived alone. Yet I often find it extremely difficult and exhausting to build the kind of friendships that are "life-giving".

There Is None Like You

"There is none like You
No one else can touch my heart like You do
I could search for all eternity long
And find
There is none like You."

"Your mercy flows like a river wide
And healing comes in Your Name
Helpless children are safe in Your arms
And there is none like You."

I feel like a helples child today, God. Touch me like only You can do.

Here's to Valentine's Day!

"Valentine's Day"...
It's a day that can strike fear, depression, and anxiety in the hearts of single people (especially women) all across the nation. I was feeling a bit of this myself when a lovely bouquet of flowers was delivered to my workplace. For WHO? ME! It was hilarious to see all the kids rush over to see who they were from. I knew what to expect when I opened the card, but I have to say the excitement quickly faded for them when the card read, "Love Mom and Dad" :)
After work, rather than wallowing in my self-pity about my dateless condition, I decided to go out to dinner with a few friends. We had a good time together. I'm thankful for my friends. And I'm also thankful that I can breathe a sigh of relief that another Valentine's Day has passed without me resorting to eating a box of those "chalk-tasting" candy hearts just so I can read the sentimental words to myself :)

I finally caved

I've been resisting the wave of "my spacers", "facebookers", bloggers, etc... for quite some time now. I didn't want to do the next BIG thing just because it was the next BIG thing. But, as you can see, I finally caved. I love to write. I find it often helps me process "Life", and I really like sharing my thoughts with other people. I figure this way instead of always sending out one of those dreaded bulk emails, you can log on and read at your leisure. So, have fun, and read away! (No promises, but I'll try and stay somewhat updated...)