I wrote this in my journal last night starting at 11:08 p.m. I got a call from my mom this morning saying that Grandma had passed around 11:30 p.m. last night.
I hate how I'm really good at keeping myself preoccupied during the day so I don't have to think about certain things, but when nighttime comes, it's a losing battle. I pray that sleep will come quickly and take me to the blessed land of dreamworld, but I rarely luck out enough for that to happen.
Take tonight, for instance. I've been tired all day, managed to avoid thinking too much about my grandma, and I jumped into bed ready to get a good night's sleep. Yet the elusiveness of my slumber gave my mind and heart time to finally grieve this great loss that is soon to come. The tears started as a trickle, yet turned into rivers flooding down my face, releasing my pent-up emotions.
My Grandma is about to die.
There, I wrote it!
And that makes me sad as hell.
I think of the times that I didn't treasure, the moments that I let pass. The cards that I never wrote, and the "I love yous" I didn't say. And now it's too late. I think of the beautiful woman she is; of the legacy of faith she passed on to my mother, who is passing it on to me. I think of the love she poured over me and the sadness in her as our family would leave after a visit. I think of the cards she regularly sent me in college with $5 to "treat myself" and a Bible verse. And then I think of her in the nursing home, sad, lonely, and seemingly out of place.
I prayed her off to Jesus tonight. I told her it's okay, she can go. Because even though the tears running down my face are out of sadness, the tears running down His are out of joy. He's been waiting for her to finally come home.
I love you, Grandma.
Go.
I'll see you there someday.
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6 comments:
Andrea! I love you! I am sad with you - sad that I can't be with you - sad that you aren't close to family - sad because of the hurt and sadness you are feeling. Thank you for sharing your journal. It is really neat though how you journeled about it and gave her to Jesus - that your heart was able to process so that you could be "ready" (that isn't the fullest word...no one is ever ready) for the call this morning. one minute before I checked your blog, I wrote on my days to do list to write you a card...I made one for you...to tell you that I love you and miss you...then I checked your blog and read it. I LOVE you so much Andrea. I think of you often and I want you to know how dear you are. You give SO much of yourself to people..especially your friends!
I will be praying for you and thinking of you as you drive home and go to the funeral. I miss you and I LOVE you SOOOOOOO much!! Love Leah
Andrea, I am so sorry. I wish I were there to physically wrap my arms around you, but I want you to know that my prayers and thoughts are with you. A close family friend of ours lost her husband a few months ago. He was a man that I grew up loving and respecting. That night as I was greiveing his loss, greiving for his children and his wife that were left behind, thinking of all the pain they must be feeling, something hit me like a ton of bricks. He is in the presence of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, doing the very thing he was created to do. He is worshipping his Father, and there is no better place to be. In that thought there is so much joy in death. I am so glad that your grandmother is in the presence of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords doing the very thing she was created to do: Worship her Father. I love you Andrea
So sorry for your loss. She is not out of place anymore.
Andrea,
First off... I love you.
Second, I'm sorry. Sorry you lost your grandma, but glad, glad you had prayed her off, saw her off to heaven. You said goodbye in the most intimate way you ever could. I wish I could tell you I know how it feels, but I dont. I dont know your grandma, and while I have had a grandma die, I know its not the same. But I do know, I do know that she is far more better off, that she is watching over you, holding you tightly as you cry, and comforting you, wiping your tears away, because while it hurts, its hard not to be happy, happy to know she is with Jesus, and is up there dancing in the clouds. It doesnt matter about the cards that could have been sent or words that could have been said, because I have this feeling she knew. and she knows now.
Andrea, you are an amazing person, your strength and faith inspires me. I think back to a few summers ago often, and how you and ginger just really encouraged me, prayed over me and for me. Well, now its my turn.
Dear Lord,
Just hold andrea during these hard times. Let her know it is ok to cry, but also that her grandmother is with you. That there is nothing more or less that she could have done or said to make her love show through any stronger. Lord, comfort her as she deals with the loss, and wipe her tears, and comfort her heart. She is an amazing beautiful woman Lord, and I pray you would just hold her tightly, and give her peace and strength.
Amen.
there are no magical words to - poof! - instantly make you feel better; and if there were, i'd be wary of them. however, we are not just a people of words, we're a people of action. and so, my friend, i offer the act of "being" with you whenever you feel the need to share silence and space... and, let's be honest, there's nothing quite like the sharing of souls over a peppermint java chip frappucino. ~ mariko
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