“We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy”
It was hard (and still is), but I finally did it. I admitted to myself that I don't trust God. Not really. I may say I do...I may think I do...I may even look like I do. But when it comes down to it, I want to be the one "running the show". I came to this realization due to the fact that I've been spending a lot of time thinking and praying about the young lady I mentioned in my previous blog. I needed to come up with a plan, with an idea of how I was going to help her. I knew that God wanted me to give Him enough credit, so to speak, to know that He could handle things. But then I freaked out. Because part of trusting someone is believing in them and what they are doing even when I don't understand, and even when, God forbid, I don't "like" it. I freaked out, because all along I've been saying "I trust you, God". I know You're going to do big things in this girl. I know You're going to help her get her act together and go on to graduate from high school, go to a great college, get a job she loves and excels at, marry a man who respects and loves her, and so on and so on. "I trust you, God". (When what I really meant was, "make sure my plan for her happens, okay God?") And, of course, God, in His not so subtle way, showed me that my so-called "trust" was really just a way of manipulating myself into believing that I had conquered the ever-present battle of what it means to trust. I freaked out, because God reminded me that maybe, just maybe, His plan isn't my plan. That maybe, this girl won't graduate from high school. Maybe she'll get pregnant and be lucky to finish her GED. Maybe she won't go to a great college. Maybe she'll be on welfare. Maybe she won't marry a man who loves and respects her. Maybe she'll go from one boyfriend to the next, forever seeking that love and affirmation. And yet, if the latter is true, does that make God any less "trustworthy"? Because, let's face it. In my mind, option #2 sucks! There's no way you could convince me that it would be better than what I've dreamed up for her. And yet, even if #2 ends up being the reality, is God still in control? Is His plan still intact, or did it somehow get thwarted?
I was sharing some of this internal battle with a friend of mine, and he said something that I'm trying to hold onto right now. He said that due to the fact that I'm human, (oh...right...sometimes I forget that :), I have such a limited view of what reality is. I see this situation and without doubt think that path #1 is the best option. But when it comes down to it, I see a minuscule speck. Somehow, God sees it all, and knows how He is going to be able to bring the most glory to Himself. Even if it is through a girl who drops out of school, gets pregnant by 16, and lives on welfare for the rest of her life.
It was hard (and still is), but I finally did it. I admitted to myself that I don't trust God. Not really. I may say I do...I may think I do...I may even look like I do. But when it comes down to it, I want to be the one "running the show". I came to this realization due to the fact that I've been spending a lot of time thinking and praying about the young lady I mentioned in my previous blog. I needed to come up with a plan, with an idea of how I was going to help her. I knew that God wanted me to give Him enough credit, so to speak, to know that He could handle things. But then I freaked out. Because part of trusting someone is believing in them and what they are doing even when I don't understand, and even when, God forbid, I don't "like" it. I freaked out, because all along I've been saying "I trust you, God". I know You're going to do big things in this girl. I know You're going to help her get her act together and go on to graduate from high school, go to a great college, get a job she loves and excels at, marry a man who respects and loves her, and so on and so on. "I trust you, God". (When what I really meant was, "make sure my plan for her happens, okay God?") And, of course, God, in His not so subtle way, showed me that my so-called "trust" was really just a way of manipulating myself into believing that I had conquered the ever-present battle of what it means to trust. I freaked out, because God reminded me that maybe, just maybe, His plan isn't my plan. That maybe, this girl won't graduate from high school. Maybe she'll get pregnant and be lucky to finish her GED. Maybe she won't go to a great college. Maybe she'll be on welfare. Maybe she won't marry a man who loves and respects her. Maybe she'll go from one boyfriend to the next, forever seeking that love and affirmation. And yet, if the latter is true, does that make God any less "trustworthy"? Because, let's face it. In my mind, option #2 sucks! There's no way you could convince me that it would be better than what I've dreamed up for her. And yet, even if #2 ends up being the reality, is God still in control? Is His plan still intact, or did it somehow get thwarted?
I was sharing some of this internal battle with a friend of mine, and he said something that I'm trying to hold onto right now. He said that due to the fact that I'm human, (oh...right...sometimes I forget that :), I have such a limited view of what reality is. I see this situation and without doubt think that path #1 is the best option. But when it comes down to it, I see a minuscule speck. Somehow, God sees it all, and knows how He is going to be able to bring the most glory to Himself. Even if it is through a girl who drops out of school, gets pregnant by 16, and lives on welfare for the rest of her life.
2 comments:
Hey. I do keep up with your blog and I just want to say that this post came at a time in my life when I needed that reminder. Thanks for your insight- and being willing to share what God is teaching you, so others can better see what he is teaching us.
You are learning a lot of hard life lessons, aren't you? Me too. Isn't it amazing what we learn AFTER highschool? Maturing is so HARD! I hear you as God has had to (and keeps having to) teach me hard life lessons too.
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